While it seemed a little scary, I was really looking forward to getting my head wrapped around other things than diapers and food for a change. Yet, getting the little man into a daycare in Munich seemed to be the most difficult undertaking. The first nursery that we had a contract with all of sudden sent us an email telling us that they would not be able to open in September as planned but would have to shift the opening date to January. So they really left us hanging in there and it was already end of July/beginning of August - almost impossible to get another spot on such a short notice. Still, determined to hold up my end of the bargain I kept searching for alternatives, spoke to nannies, asked daycare groups on playgrounds - in short, my entire life seemed to revolve around finding someone to take care of my child. And of course it wasn’t supposed to be just someone but rather someone we can trust completely with the most important person in our lives… I kept going back and forth with wanting to wait a few months to pick up on my contract but really thought it would be good for me to start as soon as possible. One day we got a call from the daycare that my husband’s company owns and we were extremely lucky in that a spot freed up. Of course we took it and only a week later I got a call from my work and it so happens that they will not be offering me a contract, not because I am not qualified or they would rather work with someone else, simply because there does not seem to be budget. My first reaction was disappointment but very quickly, I realized that what lots of people were telling me was actually true. Every door closing means another one is opening - the tough part is the time in between where you seem to be stuck in a closed room without any doors or windows however.
Another saying that came to my mind was - when life throws you lemons, make lemonade. So it’s about time I figured out how to make my own lemonade… Yet, it is very hard not to take a rejection personally and remind yourself that it is not your fault but rather the circumstances are not right - it is just as difficult not to overreact and get nervous in a situation like this. While it is certainly harder to find a daycare spot in Munich than a job, the fact of the matter is that there are very few part time positions available in the market. What happens is that companies would rather not advertise them as people are legally allowed to ask for a full time position even if they started on part time basis only.
On the bright side though - for an entire year, and even longer I have been craving more time for myself, more time for yoga, meditation and so many other things, just like having the peace and quiet to write - so here it is. Our little rock star is loving being around other kids and playing until they are so knocked out they almost crash while putting on their shoes and jackets. I have a feeling he wants to make this transition easier for me - and it’s definitely working. I’m not worried. Of course there will be rough patches and lots of sick days etc but overall, this is the right move for him.
It so happened that I went to my first satnam rasayan session last night - precisely the day that I had gotten the bad news about not getting a contract after all - and it was the best thing I could have done on a night like that. It gave me plenty of time and space to contemplate the things that had happened, the players involved and it led to the decision that no matter what, I need to speak my truth, live my truth and not swallow any of the anger that is inside me. And I have to admit, I am a little angry- angry at society that makes it hard on women to work and find fulfilment and at the same time be there for their kids and families - and yes, men have the same issues but in my opinion it is different for them because hardly any of them struggle to get back into a job after their paternity leave (mostly because their paternity leave tends to last 8 weeks at the very most) in this country. And what’s more - I am angry at the company that I spent 7 years of my life working at - that I joined because of its global working opportunities. First it took me three years of rallying until the opportunity came up to work internationally. I have to admit, it was very much me wanting to pursue this opportunity - my former boss even warned me and said, this means you are giving up your unlimited work contract in Germany and of course other people said - what about your retirement money etc etc. But I didn’t care at that point in time - I was determined that working in the States for some time was what I needed and I have to say, I don’t regret it up to this day. There were so many great experiences, encounters, people I met and places I saw that I would have missed out on. Yet, coming back was harder than I thought - I needed to start applying and was offered a limited contract. I didn’t see a problem with that since I feel like there is always a trial period for both sides - be it the employer or the employee, yet, when I got pregnant I already saw that there were actually limitations - for instance your contract can expire during your maternity leave and you can be left hanging in the air again - now while this is exactly what happened I am not disappointed about that fact but rather about the fact that I have been in close contact with my former team and boss and they kept telling me that it would be alright and I would be offered another contract. And then they left me hanging out to dry. Still maybe the true reason I feel disappointed right now is not the fact that this happened but rather that I feel like I have been gullible enough to believe that it would all work out. In any case, I needed to bring some closure to this and just wanted to shed another perspective on taking risks - paradoxically something my former employer keeps propagating. Don’t get me wrong - I am still very much in favour of taking risks and will continue to do so in my life mainly because I believe life is too short not to, but in this case I had to take the hit. My big consolation is that I have learned that these kind of set backs are usually the things that really help you grow and advance. Let’s see where this one takes me - I will keep you posted.
For the time being, I will hold on tight and enjoy the ride ;-)
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